In my last blog, I raised the question as to what is really important to you. What motivates and drives you? What is it that compels you to do what you do, to be what you are, to go where you go?

As I have given those questions further thought this week, another question came to mind. As I look back over the years of my life – sixty-six of them now – I clearly see several different points on that time-line at which I gave serious consideration to a life-change that might provide ‘greener pastures’ if I were to have gone in a different direction. I saw different paths of life that seemed to promise a brighter future than the one I was traveling.

As a young child I can remember vividly those childhood fantasies about the future. What would I be when I grew up? Policeman, fireman, professional football player, super hero? As I grew a little older, those fantasies began to fade as I realized that some of them could not be realized, while others I chose to discard because of waning interest.

In my young adult years, I focused on two things: music, and electrical design. Both of these were realized to some degree as I played music for about 15 years in a rock band, and as I pursued a career in the electronics field as a printed circuit board designer. It seemed that I had finally locked in to my career path.

These two distinct career paths led me to live two very different lives. By day I was a successful electrical designer, working for a successful international electronics firm. By night I was an alcohol drinking, pot-smoking, drummer in a rock band. I truly and sincerely enjoyed both, and found both to be extremely fulfilling. Over time, however, my music won out. I only wanted to play music. I wanted to be a world-renowned drummer.

My life began to be confusing and chaotic. I came to the point on that time-line of life that nothing any longer brought me a sense of satisfaction and contentment. I was no longer fulfilled. I was truly empty, with no sense of direction, no sense of fulfillment. The career in electrical design no longer brought the sense of accomplishment it once had provided. Playing music lost its appeal. I was like a ship without a sail, with no rudder, floating aimlessly in the sea of life.

For a while these two career paths brought great satisfaction, great fulfillment, great contentment. But they ultimately led to emptiness, dissatisfaction, discontent. It was as if there was a great void, a black hole of the soul. Those things that I tried to stuff into that black hole were simply lost in the blackness. No matter how much I stuffed in that hole, it never filled. Every new thing I tried brought a sense of satisfaction for a while, until the newness wore off, and once again the emptiness returned. Deeper and deeper I sank into that black hole. My life was nothing but a long series of attempts to find happiness.

Finally, I found myself at wits end. Nothing brought fulfillment. Nothing brought satisfaction. Life was a drudgery. Day after day, week after week, month after month, the sense of emptiness grew larger, the darkness of the soul grew darker, the listlessness of life seemed insurmountable.

At this point in my life, I decided to give myself totally to the dark side. Even though my music had ceased to bring the sense of satisfaction it once had, I decided that the lifestyle of a rock musician was the only path that would lead to any sense of contentment. In this state of mental, emotional, and spiritual darkness, I decided to walk away from everything that would hinder the fulfillment of this insatiable desire. The drinking grew worse. The high of marijuana ceased to be enough.

I decided that the only way to truly fulfill the dark desires of life was to leave my wife and child. I convinced myself that to remain in that relationship would only threaten the fulfillment of my dream of success in the field of music. Teresa and I decided to divorce. I was so blinded by my state of spiritual darkness that I wanted to be free of all encumbrances, of all responsibilities. A wife and child had no place in my selfish plans.

It was at this point of total self-centeredness that I experienced the most radical, life-transforming, moment of my entire life. Everything was in a tail-spin, out of control, accelerating in a downward spiral that was self-destructive. I remember this moment as clearly as if it happened yesterday. I was on my way to work on a Thursday morning. During that fifteen mile drive, I was confronted by a presence that was so overwhelming that it shook me to my very core. God Himself spoke so powerfully and pointedly that I could not miss the message. You’ve made a mess of your life. I’m your only hope!

I will share the rest of this story in next week’s blog. Just a hint: Jesus Christ changed everything for me – and He will for you, also. Hope you’ll join me next week.